Apologies for skipping last-week’s IMPACT WRESTLING (see, you have to bold it like that because it artificially makes the product more exciting). Some stuff happened, sure, but none of it felt terribly important. I know, I know… Rampage Jackson joined the Main Event Mafia last week. Big news. Should have covered it. So here’s my week-late article:
Rampage Jackson was announced last-night as the 5th
wrestlercelebrity of the NWOMain-Event Mafia. Because out of all the talent on the TNA roster to recruit from, Sting, Samoa Joe, and Kurt Angle felt it best to pick somebody who has never wrestled before to join their Main-Event level squad.
In the words of Damien Sandow: You’re Welcome.
Of course, I made that comment about Rampage Jackson before TNA fired about half of their personnel in series of cost-cutting moves (read: Hulkamania is expensive). So maybe I should cut TNA a little slack.
Last night on Twitter, I was told that Rampage Jackson is the “muscle” of the group, which is why he doesn’t have to wear a suit like everybody else. I can buy that logic. But I don’t understand the booking logic in advertising Destination X as the pay-per-view event of the summer, and then delivering with a series of qualifying matches for next week’s Impact Wrestling.
Right, because it makes the most sense to hold the popular Ultimate X match until the week AFTER your pay-per-view show, which is supposed to highlight the X Division. Of course, when a show in the year 2013 opens up with Hulk Hogan, Bully Ray, and Brooke Hogan, you know that TNA Creative doesn’t quite have its priorities in check. Not that I don’t love me some Bully Ray (his heel schtick never gets old), but at least let him kick off the show with somebody NOT named
Speaking of “kick off the show,” did anybody else notice Taz was missing at commentary? Me either. Moving on…
What was on display was just alright. The Ultimate X triple-threat qualifying matches proved entertaining. Even more entertaining? Listening to me attempt to pronounce Trent Barreta’s real name after a few glasses of wine… (“no, I got it this time – MAR-Soup-E-uhl. Huh? A Kangaroo?”)
The Main Event Mafia at least delivered on their promise to fight Aces and Eights. Or, at least, they tried. Sting, Angle, Joe, Mangus and Rampage all puffed up their chests and called out Bully Ray’s rag-tag Son’s of Anarchy knockoffs. But surprisingly, In one of the most realistic creative decisions in the entire history of professional wrestling, Aces and Eights just refused. Like, “nah, we don’t want to fight. Nevermind.” So what did the Main Event Mafia do? Run backstage, and let professional wrestling’s only Olympic Gold Medalist get kidnapped in the back of a cheap pickup truck. That’ll teach ‘em!
Damn. Calling 911 right now! @RealKurtAngle just got kidnapped by Aces and 8′s!! Keep him in your hopes and prayers.
— Steve Austin (@steveaustinBSR) July 19, 2013
Don’t worry, Angle was back in about 15 minutes with ZERO explanation of what went down. I’m guessing he just hopped out. I mean, pickup truck beds are wide open – Bully Ray didn’t think through that one very well, did he? Also, is anybody else bothered by the fact that TNA REGULARLY uses kidnapping as a plot device? This is a serious issue. Apparently, backstage security must absolutely suck at all TNA events. If you have an average of one kidnapping plot per year, effectively carried out on high-level athletes all IN THE SAME WRESTLING ORGANIZATION, isn’t it time to do something about it? Maybe look at the guy who walks around as a “lone wolf,” regularly wearing a hoodie and acting depressed. Oh, right, sorry Dixie, forgot about the cost-cutting measures…
Bully Ray and Sabin put together a fun show. Most fun was the
unanticipated arrival of Aces and Eights, the Main Event Mafia, the Four Horsemen, Immortal, S.C.U.M., the J.O.B. squad, and the cast of Happy Days. I’m not sure why, but with a smaller wrestling ring and less space around the outside, TNA feels the need to crowd as many people out there as possible.
But in the end, Sabin finally won, and captured the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. Mike Tenay said it was “poetic justice.” I think the hammer in Sabin’s hands probably had something to do with it.
If these past few weeks have taught me anything, it’s that I’m a lot more bitter towards TNA’s product than I realized. Either that, or this sarcasm is a normal reaction that every TNA fan has. I can only imagine how much more entertaining Impact Wrestling would be with the guys from Mystery Science Theater 3000 in the front row…
Agree? Disagree? Still pining for a Hulk Hogan title run in 2013? Just enjoy sarcasm? Let me know in the comments below, or follow me on Twitter @therealwiseman.