Tonight we emanate from beautiful Des Moines, Iowa.

We begin with the singing of our national anthem to honor Presidents’ Day. Great job by a local young lady.

WWE Champ Sheamus vs. Randy Orton in a non-title match.
I got to wonder why they let this match jerk the curtain, but whatever. The crowd is firmly behind Orton early on. The two trade offense and an ad break. Orton does his best Ron Garvin impression, stomping Sheamus while he’s down. At one point Legacy comes to ringside. Endgame: With the ref distracted, Sheamus clobbers DiBiase, and Rhodes clobbers Sheamus, just in time for the ref to see it, so he rings the bell. Your winner as a result of a disqualification, Sheamus. Post-match, an enraged Orton gives the RKO to Rhodes, Sheamus kicks DiBiase, and Orton drops Sheamus with the RKO.

Bret “The Hitman” Hart cuts an in-ring promo. He says he came here tonight to finish things once and for all with Vince McMahon who conveniently isn’t here. He says McMahon deserves to have the holy hell beat out of him, and that he’s the world’s greatest liar. Hitman says he’s upset that there won’t be a match at Wrestlemania. “Victory will last a lifetime, but excellence will last forever.” He thanks all the WWE Superstars and WWE universe for welcoming him back. He singles out John Cena, and thanks him for helping him. He says good-bye and leaves the ring. Backstage, he says his good-bye’s to the Superstars. Cena is seen talking to him. John thanks Bret as he gets in the limo. As the camera pans away from the limo, tires are heard squealing, and we see that a tan sedan with a woman driver has reverse t-boned the limo. Cena comes to the aid of Bret saying, “his leg’s caught in the door.” Cena then yells at the driver of the sedan as paramedics put an air cast on Bret’s leg and load him into the awaiting ambulance. The ambulance then pulls out of the garage.

Unified Tag Team Champions ShowMiz vs. MVP and Mark Henry in a non-title match.
Surprisingly quick match between these two teams. Endgame: Show kicks MVP in the mush, and tags in Miz, who tries to pin MVP. MVP reverses it for the 1-2-3. Your winners as a result of a pinfall MVP and Mark Henry.

Tonight’s special guest Jerry Springer comes to the ring and has a version of his show. Kelly Kelly comes out and announces she’s pregnant, and says she’s not sure who the baby-daddy is. Santino’s music plays, and I die a little inside. They are interrupted by Michael Cole and King who both say that they’re the father. They are interrupted by the Bella Twins, and we find out that Brie is a man, and the sisters slap and claw at each other. They are interrupted by Chris Masters and his bouncing boobs. They are interrupted by Eve Torres who goes all “what you doing with my man?” on Kelly, and a fight ensues. We learn that Eve has been cheating on Masters with The Great Khali who joins the party, and I wonder why I’m typing all this. Jerry then produces the results of a paternity test. Interesting, because Santino says it happened 3 days ago. Jerry informs us that the baby-daddy is…. HORNSWOGGLE! (Doesn’t he always wear a helmet now, though?). As a confused and flustered Jerry leaves the ring, King informs him that this was all fake. Ranjin Singh says what we’re all thinking, that this was a waste of time. Lawler says that there is one intimate relationship that will be revealed tonight, and it’s Springer’s. If it’s Mae Young, I’m going to throw my remote. Guess what? Out she comes and plants several sloppy Grandma kisses on poor Springer. I guess I need a new remote.

Kofi Kingston vs. Ted DiBiase.
FINALLY! Some wrestling. A woozy DiBiase does his best early on, but Kingston takes advantage of obviously dazed Teddy. In the end, it doesn’t really matter, though. Endgame: DiBiase hits the Dreamstreet on Kofi (pulling out a dreadlock in the process) for the 1-2-3. Your winner as a result of a pinfall, Ted DiBiase.

We learn that Antonio Inoki will be inducted into the Hall of Fame.

King tosses to security video of the Bret Hart crash. Cole says it was obvious that Hart’s leg was caught in between the door and the car. Thank you for clearing that up.

Jerry Springer is backstage and gives his Final Thought.

Cena cuts an in-ring promo. He doesn’t know Bret Hart’s condition. He calls out Batista, who no-shows. Instead, Batista appears via satellite on the Titan-tron. He says he’s doing Cena a favor by not being there. The two have a back and forth, and Dave says he’ll be on Raw next week, and wishes him luck on Sunday in the Chamber. Cena ends it by channeling 2008, “You want some? Come get some.”

We learn that next week, singer/songwriter Jewel and her husband, bull rider Ty Murray will co-host Raw.

John Cena vs. HHH.
This match is exactly what you’d expect; near falls, false finishes, close countouts, attempts at finishing moves, etc. Endgame: After a spine-buster by and Pedigree attempt by HHH, Sheamus enters and kicks HHH in the head. Your winner, ????? Cena tries an Attitude Adjustment, but Sheamus kicks him in the head. He then tosses HHH across the ring with the Crucifix Power-Bomb.

Fade to black, good night from Des Moines.

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